Jul 20th 2011, 08:19 by E O Hatterpol | 1228 AU FROM SUN
The pretty girl pushed me into the middle of the Dancehall. I tried to walk away, but the crowd of onlookers kept pushing me back. I had no choice but to fight.
“Introduce yourself so we know how much to bet!” someone cried.
I looked across the way at my opponent. She was staring straight at me from a split on the floor.
“Barnacles,” I muttered. “It's a bleeding female gymnast! I'm terrified to death and back of female gymnasts!!”
“Go on, mate!” someone called.
“Use your outdoor voice, whitey!” another heckled.
“Quit reading books and flex your scronny muscles, turkey neck!”
I was being tormented on all sides. My only choice was to man o' war-up.
“HUSH YOUR FACE!” I commanded.
The music skree-ah-rur-rurred to a stop; people quit laughing; even the bookie stopped rattling off odds.
I took a deep breath and then boomed:
“I am E O Hatterpol, interstellar travel writer. I fought and destroyed an entire fleet of pirate ships in the Kuiper Belt. I am the reason why Captain Makemake is rotting in a cell right now here on Starbase Octopus.”
Sure, I had fluffed myself up a bit, but that's the mental side of the battle right there, yo.
“Do you see this bottle?” I asked, raising my beer bottle sword high. “I drove one just like this into that salty asteroid's head!”
Then I pointed the beer bottle straight at the girl and said, “And I'll do the same for you.”
She looked at me without any emotion of any kind whatsoever. That was disconcerting, especially after my sweet display of fearsome man o' war-liness. At least the bookies and onlookers had gone into a frenzy of arguing odds and placing bets. I even heard an encouraging few that placed their loot on me.
The music dialed up again, and I felt the power of the islands coursing through my veins. Maybe I could be the king of the dance hall! I had fought Captain Makemake and won, hadn't I? I felt so much energy pumping through my body I could've split a coconut with my mind halfway across the beach.
The female gymnast put her hands on the ground, shifted her weight and popped up into a slow handstand just to show me how fit she was. She was really fit.
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