Jul 15th 2011, 08:17 by E O Hatterpol | 1228 AU FROM SUN
I may have torn out of that bar like Rip, but I was soon forced to slow to a sneaky snail's pace. There were just too many places where I could be recognized and arrested by Starbase policemen or recognized and reported by stupid tourist fartfaces.
I had to stop and think strategically if I was going to make it from Tentacle Two directly across the Starbase to Tentacle Six in time for the underground fight club.
I couldn't go through the Spatnik Serenity Star Spa or the Turkish baths because they each only had one entrance and exit; I wouldn't make any progress that way. I definitely needed to stay away from the bounty hunter's guild, "The Eight Arms". Those Salty Space Booty-grubbing punktards would snatch me up in a heartbeat.
At this point, I'd probably snatch me up, too, even if it were just to get enough Salty Space Booty ($$B) to pay Ravi the Bookman back before he ever knew I had lost his loot gambling.
I had no choice: I'd have to stick to the darker, seedier side of Starbase Octopus.
I started off in the arcades, which was nice because all the gamers insisted on keeping it pitch black in there "to keep the glare off my screen, bro". It was actually fun to watch people having fun -- to watch them not being accused of murder or having to sneak around like a criminal.
Even though it smelled like unwashed skin furiously attempting to sweat out chronic and consistent overdoses of Mountain Dew: Code Red, the going was fairly easy. All I had to do when I saw a policeman was duck into the nearest Ferrari F355 Challenge and pretend I was playing by jiggling the shell out of the gearstick.
I got to the end of the arcades and opened the next door without paying attention. To my surprise, I was in a dark room full of alien skrippas. (They're aren't called "strippers" in outer space. Don't ask me why.) It was fun seeing purple chicks with one leg and three boobs the first time @mcaflo forced me to visit them during our Tweet Your Own Adventure series on Twitter, but this time it was a bit off-putting.
I'm just kidding. It wasn't off-putting -- it was totally awesome. I just wished I had some $$B to give these upstanding interstellar ladies their due. (There were dude skrippas there, too -- something for everyone!)
Anyways, I pushed through the smoke and the skin over to the next room, which turned out to be the trampoline room with velcro walls!
This would have been cool if it wasn't brightly lit and filled with Starbase policemen slacking off right up until the moment when they saw my face.
I had to think quick. My biggest advantage was that I wasn't wearing a velcro suit like everyone else. So I took the biggest leap I could muster onto the trampoline and double-bounced the BARNACLES out of one guy. He smacked the ceiling neck-first so hard he went unconscious; he dangled there like a fleshy chandelier.
I evaded another policeman's haymaker with a quick seatdrop, then headbutted him under the chin on the bounce-back. My body was pumping with the adrenaline, and I liked it. This was something I could use at the fight club.
I took another huge bounce and went careening forwards in a barrel-roll like Jackie Chan in Drunken Master, Antipericatamentanaparbeugedamphibricationes first. My bookshield acted like a battering ram, striking a nasty blow straight to the solar plexus of the last policeman between me and the door. He went flying to the wall and stuck there.
By the time he had wriggled himself off, I was already through and in the next room.
But it wasn't a room at all -- it was the Squid's Beak, the main square on Starbase Octopus.
And despite all my best efforts at sneaking around, I found my way blocked by a military bagpipe band.
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