YAHTZEE!

Jun 16th 2011, 14:30 by E O Hatterpol | 1180 AU FROM SUN

I SHOOK my head to knock the clouds out and surveyed the damage.  Ravi the Stompyface had levelled the bookstacks in every direction as far as the eye could see.


Captain Makemake was all but dead.  He struggled to free himself from the pile of books, but all he could manage to do was poke his head straight out the top.


"Sentience lock," the Stompyface boomed.  "I have put all my anger, hatred and revenge into those books; they might as well be concrete now."


Makemake's bloody eyes widened in fear.  Outside, the pirate ships and killer whales still fought viciously.  I heard them booming at one another and remembered all the Flybrarians that had died because of Makemake.


"My turn," I grumbled.


I limped over to where Makemake was writhing about in terror.  I smashed my arm up into my pulverised ribs to support them, heaving like a madman from the effort.  In my other hand was the jagged beer bottle-sword.  I clenched my teeth against the searing pain and gripped the bottle's neck more tightly.


Like Ravi, I poured my most wicked emotions down into that broken bottle, filling it with enough evil to surpass even Captain Makemake's heartless carnage.  Ravi had become a monster; in so doing, he had convinced me the only way to end this was to be still more monstrous myself.


I climbed the bookstacks, a wild look in my eyes.  My mouth split into an insane grin and my eyes gave off a maniacal glow that struck fear into the salty space pirate's eyepatch.


"N-no," he stammered, "w-what are you going to d-do to me?"


I cackled like I was ten years deep in the loony bin.


"E O..." the Stompyface warned.  He could tell I was losing control - that I was going to a dark, murderous place in my mind.


"We're going to play a little game," I said, eyes widening even bigger.  "Can you guess which one it is?"


"He - he'll come for you," Makemake blurted.  "In your dreams, he'll come for you.  Speaking in red, always in red..."


I stopped for a split-second and looked at him sideways.  Makemake had clearly lost his mind.


"He'll tell you about the Homesphære, yes, yes he will, in your dreams, always in red, but then one day you won't be dreaming anymore and then there he'll be, he'll drive you mad, just like he drove me mad, he'll come to you in your - yes, always in red, always in red."


The pirate was blubbering in the final throes of his life.  He was obviously stalling for time.  I had no pity.  I laughed even louder, even wilder, even more maniacally.


I straddled Makemake's head and raised my beer bottle-sword aloft; in that terrible moment, I was more of a villain than he.


"YAHTZEE!"


I took aim at the giant crater on the side of his head, then rammed the deadly tips of my bottle down hard into his skull.  The glass made a dull sound as it punched through; it lodged itself deep in his squishy brain tissue.


Makemake's eyes rolled to the back of his head.  He was dead.


---


Shortly afterward, the Carptain and the rest of the Starship's crew found us.  Makemake was rushed to the Starship Moby Dick for treatment.  He wasn't dead.  He's too tough an asteroid to really ever die.


They tried to remove the Whale Ale from his skull, but the beer bottle was lodged too deeply.  Makemake would most likely die for real if the bottle ever came loose.  When he was well enough for transfer, the Starship Moby Dick transferred him back to the Flybrary.


He's been deep in a prison cell ever since, awaiting judgment at Starbase Octopus.  I hope they sentence him to death.  I know I tried.