Thursday, June 2, 2011

MAKEMAKE'S GAMES



Jun 2nd 2011, 14:26 by E O Hatterpol | 613 AU FROM SUN


"YOU CAN'T PUT MONEY UNDER FREE PARKING," Captain Makemake shouted in rage.  "THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SPACE, IDIOT.  WHEN YOU LAND THERE, YOU'RE SAFE BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY RENT TO ANYONE.  IT'S FREE PARKING, NUMBSKULL.  FREE."



Captain Makemake was sitting crosslegged in a vast cave across from Hungry Hungry Hippos, the taller, wider pirate who seemed to be his right-hand man.  In between them was a Monopoly board game with houses, hotels, small pewter figurines and yellow and orange piles of Community Chest and Chance cards.


They were killing time, just waiting for me to bust into their trap like a hero.  What else would a salty space pirate psychopath do in his spare time?  I guess villains like board games, too.


"We always put money under free parking," said a third pirate to Makemake's left.  "When you land on Income Tax, Luxury Tax or have to pay to get out of jail, you put that money under free parking."


"THAT MONEY GOES TO THE BANK, BUTTFACE," Makemake yelled.


"No it doesn't," the third pirate persisted.  "Once we get all these properties developed, you'll want a chance at that unexpected influx of cash.  Otherwise, you'll never make it past Marvin Gardens... which I own with three houses."


Captain Makemake could barely conceal his rage.


"WHICH TOKEN ARE YOU?" he asked, trembling.


"The Scottish Terrier - duh."


In a flash, Makemake grabbed the pewter dog and buried it deep inside the third pirate's eyeball with his thumb.  The pirate screamed in pain, then sighed.  He collapsed dead onto the board game, sending houses and hotels across the cave floor.


"DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200, DO NOT BE ALIVE ANYMORE," Makemake growled.


There was a moment of tense silence between the captain and Hungry Hungry.  And then Makemake let out a sigh.


"Now the game is ruined!" he said.  "I didn't mean to lose my temper, you know... I just can't stand when somebody tries to put money under Free Parking.  That isn't anywhere on the rules on the inside of this box top!  You just can't make rules up like that.  It boils my blood!"


"Maybe now is a good time to go over the plan then, captain," Hungry Hungry offered timidly.


"What do you mean?  The runt shows up, we capture him by his scronny neck and shake the Homesphære's coordinates out of his tiny bean!"


"How are you going to do that?" Hungry Hungry asked.


"Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy!"


Captain Makemake's mood was improving.


"We pop him into the transporter, zap him to dust and catch the information as an energy signature before it dissipates.  It sounds complicated, but it isn't."


"What happens if he refuses?" Hungry Hungry asked.


"We threaten to kill every other Flybrarian down in this cave with us.  When he sees we're not playing games, he'll have no choice but to bring about his own annihilation.  And then there'll be nothing between us and all the Homesphærian booty we can grab!  I can't wait to get my hands on some of that plant, too, what was it called again?"


Hungry Hungry shrugged his shoulders.


"Whatever," Makemake said, dismissing it with a wave of his cratered hand.  "That's enough talking for now anyways.  Now go find some people who want to play RISK."

No comments:

Post a Comment