Jun 9th 2011, 16:19 by E O Hatterpol | 872 AU FROM SUN
WHITE light filled the cavern, filled my space helmet, filled my very bones with a crushing heat and unbearable noise. It sounded like a near-infinite string of bombs were exploding all around us, all the time, forever.
Captain Makemake probably didn't hear me - he looked distracted now. I could see he was shouting something about "condors" and "multi-somethings" to his pirates and pointing about in all directions. I think he was giving orders.
I was almost to the top of the pipes that led to the diving board that bounced you into the bathtub when I saw my chance: a giant lever sticking out like a gymnast's handlebars. I decided I could either die to asteroid marbles and liquid hot magma or I could try to jump and grab it. Worst case, I'd die from the fall.
I pushed off, soared through the air and - DOOMP! - caught hold of the handlebars! They bent under my weight, clicked once and popped back up. I wasn't ready for that, so I ended up losing my grip and doing a half-somersault through the remaining ten feet, landing flat on my back. It knocked the wind out of me.
But then I heard Makemake's awful life-size Mouse Trap grind to a halt.
"WHY DID YOU MAKE THAT LEVER SO BIG?!" Makemake shouted.
"Sorry, Captain! My hands are too big to grab onto anything else," said Hungry Hungry Hippos.
"REMIND ME TO CUT OFF SOME OF YOUR FINGERS LATER - THAT'LL MAKE THEM SMALLER, YOU WORTHLESS LUMP. I SWEAR TO THE ASTEROIDS AND BACK AGAIN, YOU'RE LIKE THE PANDA BEAR OF PIRATES. NOW STOP THEM!" Makemake screamed, pointing at the streams of Flybrarians extracting themselves from his deadly contraption.
"Your fight is with me, you craggedy-ass piece of floating space junk!" I yelled, dragging myself to my feet. Actually, I think there were probably fifteen more cusswords in that sentence when I said it, but there's no need to include them here. Either way, I was so mad my helmet steamed up.
Pirates and Flybrarians rushed at one another with bloodlust, filling the cave with the sounds of war. The sheets of paper that were once my friend lay scattered all about the cave floor. Some were still aloft. I couldn't believe Ravisius Textor was dead.
And then I saw it - there, through the flurry of white sheets - a collection of five or six thick, richly bound books so close to one another they became like a box to the eye. Even though they were resting at an awkward angle against the seam between floor and cave wall, the books didn't succumb to gravity as individuals. They looked like they were together for a reason.
And then, like a shooting star, a recollection came screaming back into my mind. I could see myself pressed up against the bookstacks way back in the half-gloom with Ravisius' paperback fingers against my lips. I could see myself driving the beer bottle into his guts; I could see the bottle shatter against the tightly-knitted book spines; I could see his face not three inches from mine saying:
"The canon is invincible."
In that instant, I knew what I had to do. I dashed through the chaos, keeping my eyes focused only on the last remaining shreds of my best friend's consciousness. I was getting closer - twenty feet away - and even closer - ten feet away - I was almost there - five feet away - and then-
"OOMPH!"
Captain Makemake drove his Meteor Knee straight into my chest. If I hadn't blocked it with my thick bookshield, I'd probably be dead now. But block it I did; I felt the meteoric heat spilling out in all directions from his kneecap; I felt the book push into my chest; I felt my back hit the cold, cave wall; then I felt my cracked ribs shatter.
I slumped to the ground, gasping for air.
"I never liked playing the Game of Life," Makemake chuckled. "I couldn't stand pushing those little blue and pink figurines down into the top of my plastic car. Also, you could only be a doctor, a star athlete, a teacher - never a pirate."
I pushed myself up, using the wall for support. I was trapped, injured and staring into the face of psychotic space pirate. I saw the energy as it began collecting once more around his kneecap. I knew I wouldn't survive another Meteor Knee, bookshield or not.
"I put money under free parking all the time," I said.
Makemake broke his stance.
"What did you say?" he asked in disbelief.
"I say I put money under free parking all the time. Luxury Tax, Income Tax, all that good stuff. Makes the game more interesting, don't you think?"
"NO!" Makemake snapped back. I could tell I was getting to him. "No, it doesn't! Those aren't in the rules!"
"I leave blocks up forever in Parcheesi, too," I taunted.
Makemake screamed in frightful surprise.
"No - no, it's not true, that stops gameplay! It backs everything up and you just risk losing one or - or - or even BOTH pieces if you can't get to a safe blue space or into the home stretch quickly enough!" Makemake said in terror.
"You don't even want to know about RISK," I said, egging him on. "I take a magic marker and draw Hawaii on the board to to link North America, South America, Australia & Asia in one epic mid-ocean battleground."
Makemake gasped.
"The Caribbean, too, for another front between North America and South America. It's a lot of fun - you should try it sometime."
"NEVER!" Makemake's mind was close to exploding. Slobber ran down his chin and his eyes lolled to the back of his head. "Not... in... the... rules..." he said, heaving. "Not... meant... to... be played like that."
With unseeing eyes whirling about in their sockets, Captain Makemake crouched down to charge the Meteor Knee that would end my life. Broken ribs scraped at my lungs; I coughed blood onto the ground, but smiled a small smile.
For a moment, all was still. And then Captain Makemake launched himself like a rocket into the air, kneecap screaming in meteoric flames right at my broken chest.
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