SURPRISE! IT'S PIRATES

May 31st 2011, 14:04 by E O Hatterpol | 548 AU FROM SUN

"AMBUSH, MWAHAHAHAHA!"


A shadowy figure spilled out of the darkness, lancing the point of his sharp sword toward my space helmet.  I parried the blow with the jagged edge of my beer bottle - PINNGGGG! - and jumped back three steps, readying my bookshield.  The sound of our mortal struggle echoed down the long, rough-hewn corridor.


"THIS IS THE FIRST GUY WE HAVE TO FIGHT?!" I yelled above the din.  "HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS!"


The pirate whirled around, twin sabers flashing.  In the deep black of the cave lair, he wasn't much more than a storm cloud with sword stabs for lightning bolts.


Suddenly, Ravi flew past me in a low crouch, zinging origami ninja stars.  One tore the pirate's cloak & the other scratched his cheek.


"THINK A FEW SHEETS OF PAPER WILL TAKE ME DOWN?" he screamed.  Flecks of foamy spittle flew up into his bloodshot eyes; he was a giant whirling dervish of murderous madness.


"Yes, I do," Ravi answered quietly.  He kept his forward momentum, zipping between the biting blades and driving the arm of Neil Gaiman deep into the pirate's chest; I could hear his solar plexus turn to powder.


"Ka-haugh," the pirate managed.


He doubled over in pain, exposing the back of his neck.  I dashed over and raised my thick bookshield like an executioner's axe.  I brought it down heavily between the vertebrae in his spinal cord.


"On the Serving of Mustard after Meals, fourteen volumes,"


*THUD*


"...sucka," I said with a grin.


The pirate dropped into a shrouded heap.  He laughed faintly, and blood gurgled in his throat. Ravi had done such a number on him, he could barely breathe.


"...won't escape," he croaked.


I danced a little jig around his frame.


"Do what, pirate?  You just got your face rocked, so you're gonna have to speak up," I taunted.  "Use your words, you salty pile of rotten seaweed!"


"You won't escape," he repeated, laughing again.  "Captain Makemake always wins the game, and you're the one playing."


I pointed at Ravi.


"This guy?" I asked.


"No, no... y- you," the pirate said, struggling to raise a finger to point at me.  "You... you're the one that knows where... knows where..."


"Where what, dude?"


The pirate took another breath but it barely came.  His hairy chest was bright red with life.


"Knows... where..."


And then he died.